PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
