Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
