How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
