so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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