I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
