Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
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