Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
