i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
