Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way