I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
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he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
It's blow job season.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.