Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯