and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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