An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
