my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
