textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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