Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
