I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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