4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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