Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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