It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
