my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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