So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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