she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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