My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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