I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
