I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
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I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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