I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
