i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
not ubering you a puppy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
