She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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