Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
