At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
