508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
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There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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