I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
