Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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