I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
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You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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