did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
