The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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