the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
