I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
