i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
