I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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