On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
