i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize