he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i will never coherently bang her
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED