apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
