i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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