i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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