You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
