I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
