Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
