paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
