I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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