She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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