Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
