I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
