Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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